Inception.

Have you all seen the movie Inception? It is a fascinating movie to watch. For many people who have seen the movie for many reasons like just seeing Leonardo Di Caprio, felt totally lost after seeing the movie.  I did not watch the movie in theaters. But I watched the movie on HBO some months back and the first time I saw it, in about 15 minutes of the movie I really laughed and said.. “Isn’t it exactly what I am doing to myself in the last seven years?” Yeah.. if you haven’t seen the movie and is a fan of my poetry then watch the movie, my poetry will make more sense to you.

   Now I will tell you this..  In this movie a dream is constructed by an architect and the dream is seen by another person. They go into the subconscious mind of people and they go to a deeper level which means, a dream within a dream and they go for three levels. I hope you all are not lost here at this point. It means… that someone goes to a subconscious level and generates an idea at that level. There is something called Totem in the movie. This is an object used by the dreamers to check whether they are in a dream or in reality. The girl Ellen Page is the architect in the movie. She is one heck of an actress. She maybe small but wow every time I saw this movie she made me say “wow”. As for Leonardo Di Caprio who is the dreamer he got an issue of his dead wife comes as a projection in his dreams. That is a major catastrophe for him in the movie. I hope by this time you all understood why I wrote this whole post. If not, watch the movie Inception again.

All of you have a great weekend. By the way.. for people who peek into my blog should know that I know exactly who comes there and when you come there, and I hope I told one specific person a while back, how much I love when you step into my blog in the middle of the night that triggers a set of notification to go off and wake me up? Then I take a totem, just to feel, if I am in a dream or in real.

The Breakup.

This is pretty bad….

I looked at my journal notes… All looks the same like the weekend and week blog I posted last Sunday. So I am not going to repeat anything.

The book is closed and the pen cleaned and dried out. Still….

I am going to tell something that happened a long time back.

Once when I was staying in a hotel in New York, I met this wonderful lady called Jennifer. She was pretty and really wonderful to talk to. I had a romantic interest with her. That ended this way…
One evening me and couple of others who were staying at the hotel were sitting and eating dinner.. .Jennifer joined us and we had dinner and then we went outside to smoke. After that I was saying bye to every one and my friend Tom hugged me, his wife Patricia hugged and kissed me and I turned to Jennifer who said “I don’t’ want to hug or kiss” I said sorry for giving her that thought and went into my room. I never felt bad about it because people have different comfort zones. For instance, I am not really comfortable in any creature touching me, like cats or dogs or birds or anything like that. Later in the night I went out again for a smoke and some new guests were moving in. They came in with their pet Labrador and what I saw was Jennifer hugging and kissing the dog. I didn’t say anything; I just went outside and lighted up a cigarette. Seeing me standing outside and smoking, Jennifer came out and asked, “Hey can I borrow the lighter?” I said “Light it up from the spark you get from the fuck of the dog.”

  I am not angry that much or that way anymore. Still….

Week And Weekend Blog-05-05

Hello. hello,

    I am so sorry that I did not post a weekdays blog on Friday. Now I have to admit another fact. Couple of months back I decided to leave all anger, jealousy and pride. I came to a peaceful existence till about couple of weeks back. Then an atom bomb fell on my emotions. I got to be honest with all of you. I tried to play along a good nice game but what it did was just rewind me back to anger and other bullshit that goes along with it. Anyway it did one thing, ended a dreamy life. It was not easy but that reality should happen one or the other way and it did happen. The bizarre fact is.. I don’t feel free.

   Well that leaves a trillion dollar question, what is next. I have to take you all back about 23 years back when I first wrote something in English. It was the translation of a Malayalam song into English to impress a girl. That opened me to writing things of my own. Even long before that a boy who called around his friends and told stories and talked to himself a lot more than he talked to anyone was looking for a transformation and the evolution happened.

   If you the reader is bored by now.. stop reading and find something else on the web. If you are interested continue reading this.

   That evolution I talked about brought a predominantly leftist minded man across to the middle of capitalist monopoly. You know what I enjoyed every bit of the change and wonderful process of life that goes on in America. However I lost one thing, the ability to talk to myself. To compensate that I talked to others a lot and then took tit bits out of those, then talk it through and write poetry. It gave a unique style of writing and helped me to break every rule I learned about writing poetry. In 1998 I met a girl who helped me a bit to write. Then she was lost to I don’t know what…as I fell in love with another woman and that was a disaster from which it took couple of years for me to get out. Then came a long break of nearly four years of writing nothing much worthwhile. Then I met a young girl who came as a blessing to the poet. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I have to confess, for the last seven years she ruled the dreams of a poet. And the poet wrote well, very well. Well most of the seven years went by really fast for the poet. But the reality of things is there is man who got lost in the whole process. In fact the man woke up on Friday for a long sleep. The poet was muted and the man spoke to himself after couple of decades. That’s the good news. The bad news.. there is no major bad news. A badly shaped man with couple of nasty, but not serious diseases is what the poet left. Then I read some of my own works and said “It was all worth the effort”.

   I cannot say anything in a nutshell anymore. I have already over spoken. To answer what is next is not easy and I wish things were different. Way different that the little boy never forgot to speak to himself. That some painful reality made him speak to himself again. The truth is all these years I’ve been waiting. The one thing I hate most. The one thing that hurt me most and that one thing is what was thrust upon me in the last two weeks. Whoever came up with that idea won and the man is no longer healthy to carry a dreaming poet.

   I know one day this has to happen and I thought there is another dream I can weave. I am so sorry I spoke to myself a little too late. I cannot ask another person to bear the burden of carrying an emotional catastrophe. I am not ending anything, I am not starting anything. If there is fire that fire need to be blown up and I no longer have the strength, courage or confidence to do that.

    The above said is the reason why I did not wrote a weekly blog and in this weekend blog which I am posting about 12 hours earlier I am saying all that I said. It may all sound crazy and simple to many but understand the angry blogger, the romantic poet and the man who chose escapes than confrontations all are the products of that craziness. I said this before too and I came back. I will come back if I am well emotionally and physically. You will see me on my shows and the show will continue. But what new poems I will write I may have to figure out. Who will I use as a model? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I ever will use a model again.

  And to her, you are one of the best personalities I’ve ever met. If I were younger and better I would have fought a war of the worlds to gain your love. But other than one time I felt a good feeling to you. I always cared not to run my emotions astray in a direction that I felt real true love for you. Other than that one occasion all the time I only had the purest intentions of online communication that helped me to write. I sincerely apologize if I ever hurt you emotionally. I wish you well and from the bottom of my heart I thank you for the last effort to reach to me. But I think you are too late I cannot control myself to be patient and I yearned constant communication which is not possible for you.  So lets end this whole “mess” here.
  I will continue my blogtv shows until I figure out an alternative for everything. Right now I feel as if the whole world is falling apart around me. Literally.. it is fucking thundering outside.

The dices in the hands well rolled,
And the mind of the dancing queen well hidden,
Game without rules or new rules well played,
Broken promises and shattered dreams as corpses lay,
In the middle of unknown roads none ever ventured.
None ever again even in their worst misfortune should venture,
For it a day of penance in fasting I may remain all in prayer.

The search begins.

Till it ends.
Good Bye.

Minus Model Girl Poem

Without the model girl.. This is what I can write.. Read.

Crisp, Crisp, Crisp,
Turkey bacon tasted nice,
Warmth of black tea felt,
From throat all the way down,
Toasted bread, peanut butter and peach spread,
Whew, woo while eating I said,
My lips said it, right ear heard it, left ear heard it,
Fat machine in belly converted,
All that to fat and around waist wrapped,
Heart beat a beat more for the body,
Knowing no heart can care for mine out there exists.

It sucks isn’t it?